Day 1 (May 17,2013)

Hi, its been a while since I wrote some stuffs like this. Well I think its because I'm having a lot of thoughts lately, making me feel really depress and stuff. I don't know I'm starting to cry again every night. Last night I've finished reading the book I borrowed from Anabelle, it was around 11:50 p.m and I can't sleep. I remembered that in my phone I recorded your voice while you were singing for me before I go to sleep I thought it will help me sleep but I guess I was wrong. I was reading the letter you've gave me during July 2012 and our 5th month. I was on the first line when my tears started to fall, I don't know why all I thought was if I ever read those letters you gave me again I wouldn't feel anything at all thinking that all the things that you've said and written there was lies and its like you're saying stuff that you know I wanted to hear to make me feel good, but honestly I don't know what to think anymore while I was reading it suddenly my brother went inside my room  I covered my face with my pillow and turned my back so he won't see me crying lol. but he didn't left, instead he lay down beside me rubbing my back, comforting me while saying "everything will be alright Kim, maybe not today but someday" and after a while when he thought that I was already asleep he kissed me goodnight and switch off the light. I realized that no matter how much I've tried to avoid myself thinking of you/of us or how many of my friends would come over everyday just to be with me just to help me move on, at the end of the day when I'm all by myself I know that you're still the one I want in my life, how much I miss you, how much I miss the way you get mad because I'm staying out too late, how much you cuddle me every night  before I go to sleep, how you tell me how much you love me. But everything changed, everything except my feelings for you. I even used my sun, hoping that you would call me or even send me a message saying goodnight or how much you miss me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me, or you've already chosen the life without having me. I know I did things to hurt you, or to made you feel this way, but believe me it was never my intention to do such. I was so hurt and I had enough of how you treated me when I was still madly in love with you. That's the reason why I became like this, stone-hearted. I've never imagined being like this, but I would take all the blame just to prove to you how much  regret hurting you to show you again how much I love you. I know deep inside me that there's no one could ever replace you. I was thinking what if you already have someone better that's why you could do this on your own now? But no, enough with those paranoia I just want to focus on myself first. Trying to move on and to be someone better for you. Maybe this is how much I love you, I'm willing to give up my happiness just for you to move on and be happy.