Still..

 Hi Baby, :( kamusta ka na? halos isang buwan na tayong wala :( at dalawang lingoo ng hindi nag uusap. Kamusta ka na? okay ka lang ba kahit wala ako? Kumakaen ka ba ng maayos? Baka nagpapatuyo ka ng pawis. Alagaan mo sarili mo ha? Alam mo ba baby ko, miss na miss na kita, hindi pa din kita nkakalimutan, naaalala ko pa din yung mga ginagawa natin yung mga sinasabi mo. Pero alam mo, galit kasi ko sayo eh galit na galit pa din ako, natatakot ako na baka magkasakitan ulit tayo. Bhie love mo pa ba ko? Kasi ako oo love na love pa din kita. :( dati sabi mo sakin, kahit ano mangyari kahit hindi na tayo mamahalin mo pa din ako dba? Sabi mo hindi ka maghahanap ng iba? Baby alam mo ba sobrang kulangng araw ko pag di mo ko kinukulit. Nagpapapansin na nga lang ako kila odri at bianca eh baka sakaling binabalita nila sayo mga post ko. Bhie nakapag move on ka na ba? Ako kasi hindi pa. bhie alam mo ba bago na yung kwarto ko tapos pininturahan namin ng pink :) pagod ako ngayon eh galing ako mendiola kasama ko yung pinsan ko, bhie nag yosi po ako, sorry :( tsaka late ako umuwi :( sorry. Bhie may paki ka pa ba? Namimiss ko na pag nagagalit ka sakin kasi pasaway ako, namimiss ko na yung boses mo at pagtawag mo sakin ng mhie,baby,bhie,babe. Sino na ba yung tinatawag mo nun ngayon? May bago ka na bhie? Kala ko ba wala ka nghahanapin na better kasi ako na yung best mo? Akala mo nalang ba yun? Bhie sabihin mo wag ka niya pabayaan ha? Sabihin mo alagaan ka niya, lagi ka niyang paalalahanan kasi makakalimutin ka masyado, bhie sabihin mo magtiwala siya sayo ha? Sabihin mo wag siya magduda at magselos para hindi ka masakal para hindi ka mahirapan. Bhie sabihin mo pasayahin ka niya lagi, tapos wag ka niya pigilan sa mga kaibigan mo. Bhie sabihin mo wag ka niya aawayin lagi ha? Sabihin mo mahalin ka niya at wag ka niya hayaang mag isa. Sabihin mo lagisiyangmakinigsayo pati sa mga problema mo sa bahay niyo. Bhie alagaan mo siya ha? Sguro naman mamahalin ka niya, wag kang magsisinungaling sakanya para magtiwala lang siya sayo. Wag mo siya lolokohin ha? Wag mo siya awayin lagi, alagaanmo siya ng mabuti. Bhie mahalin niyo ang isa't isa ha? Magpakatatag kayo. Dba magiging better ka na? bhie wag ka maglilihim sknya ha? Make sure that she knows everything para alam niyang pinagkakatiwalaan mo din siya. Wag ka mapapagod sakanya ha? Mahalin mo siya ng buong puso. Wag mo kalimutan na iparamdam sakanya kung gano mo siya kamahal at kung gaano siya kaimportante sayo para hndi siya mawala. Sana magustuhan siya ng mga kaibigan mo para sayo. Sorry sa pagkukulang ko sabihin mo sana mapunuan niya lahat ng pagkukulang ka, sabihin mo i-appreciate nya lahat ng effort mo at makuntento sya sa kung anong meron ka at kaya mong ibigay sakanya sabihin mo wag siyang mapride ha? Lagi mong ipaalala na sabihin at iparamdam niya sayo kung gano ka niya kamahal. Pakabait ka na bhie ha? Hindi pa ko ready eh, na makita ka, na makita kayo. Kasi bhie mahal na mahal pa din kita eh. Pero alam mo natatakot akong sabihin yan sayo kasi baka ang isagot mo ulitna nakakalimutan ko ndn naman yuneh. Pero bhie nagkakamali ka hnding hndi ko makakalimutan yun kasi ganun kita kamahal, hindi ko man kaya, magiging masaya ko para sainyo, para sayo. Your friends hate me, you hate me wala ganun talaga eh, masakit pa din ng sobra sobra oo mabigat sa pakiramdam pero ganun talaga eh hilingin ko man na majustify yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ayaw pa din eh. Mahal na mahal pa din kita daddy :( sobra pa sa sobra pero ganun talaga eh dba? Sometimes two people need to break up in order for them to grow up? I miss you a lot kaya nga ako nagiging better eh para sayo, pero wala namang assurance na pag nakita mo ko mahalin mo ko ulit eh. Wala ding assurance na kapag nakita mo ko mawawala na yung galit mo. Unfair naman eh bakit ako bawal magalit? Pero kailangan ko ng tanggapin to dba? Kailangan ko na maging matatag, para mahalin ko naman yung sarili ko. I feel so alone baby kasi wala ka :( sanay kasi kong mabuhay sa tabi mo eh. Bakit ganyan ka? Bakit ang hirap hirap mong kalimutan? And at the same time ang hirap hirapmo din mahalin? Iniisip mo pa ba ko? Namimiss mo din kaya ako? Mahal mo pa din kaya ako? For once, stand up for me. Tanggapin mo namang mali ka :( sabi ng ni Bianca babalik ka at hindi ka maghahanap ng iba kung mahal mo talaga ko, ang tagal mo naman eh =(((((( miss na miss na kita mahalin mo na ko ulit :(( pero tama na tama na to dba? Tama na hindi na ko magpapakatanga ulit :(( mahal na mahal kita pero ang sakit sakit na pero ewan hindi ko alam baby hindi ko alam :( I miss you a lot. I love you so much. :((

Day 1 (May 17,2013)

Hi, its been a while since I wrote some stuffs like this. Well I think its because I'm having a lot of thoughts lately, making me feel really depress and stuff. I don't know I'm starting to cry again every night. Last night I've finished reading the book I borrowed from Anabelle, it was around 11:50 p.m and I can't sleep. I remembered that in my phone I recorded your voice while you were singing for me before I go to sleep I thought it will help me sleep but I guess I was wrong. I was reading the letter you've gave me during July 2012 and our 5th month. I was on the first line when my tears started to fall, I don't know why all I thought was if I ever read those letters you gave me again I wouldn't feel anything at all thinking that all the things that you've said and written there was lies and its like you're saying stuff that you know I wanted to hear to make me feel good, but honestly I don't know what to think anymore while I was reading it suddenly my brother went inside my room  I covered my face with my pillow and turned my back so he won't see me crying lol. but he didn't left, instead he lay down beside me rubbing my back, comforting me while saying "everything will be alright Kim, maybe not today but someday" and after a while when he thought that I was already asleep he kissed me goodnight and switch off the light. I realized that no matter how much I've tried to avoid myself thinking of you/of us or how many of my friends would come over everyday just to be with me just to help me move on, at the end of the day when I'm all by myself I know that you're still the one I want in my life, how much I miss you, how much I miss the way you get mad because I'm staying out too late, how much you cuddle me every night  before I go to sleep, how you tell me how much you love me. But everything changed, everything except my feelings for you. I even used my sun, hoping that you would call me or even send me a message saying goodnight or how much you miss me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me, or you've already chosen the life without having me. I know I did things to hurt you, or to made you feel this way, but believe me it was never my intention to do such. I was so hurt and I had enough of how you treated me when I was still madly in love with you. That's the reason why I became like this, stone-hearted. I've never imagined being like this, but I would take all the blame just to prove to you how much  regret hurting you to show you again how much I love you. I know deep inside me that there's no one could ever replace you. I was thinking what if you already have someone better that's why you could do this on your own now? But no, enough with those paranoia I just want to focus on myself first. Trying to move on and to be someone better for you. Maybe this is how much I love you, I'm willing to give up my happiness just for you to move on and be happy.